Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Still not yet dec 2016

Hey girlies,

Your Auntie Mary died yesterday.  I found out today at 11am.

I loved her and miss her.  She was one of my favorite people.  I liked her person.  She was alive and engaging.  She was fun.  She was opinionated.  She was a stronger person.

You had several Thanksgivings or Easters with her.  You likely don't remember her.

Here is one of the things that was too soon for you, you weren't mature enough to participate and that is a loss.  (link to "the big girls red")

I know that she was new-agey later in life.  I hope she knew God.  I wonder if I should have prayed more for her while she was alive.  Maybe she loved God for a window of time while growing up.  I hope she knew God.

She doesn't want a funeral, or such.  I know that from when Frank (her husband) died.  We talked after.  She didn't want the crazy. 

She died alone.  She died awake.  She was up when whatever happened, happened.  She didn't make it to work.  Coworkers stopped by to check on her after work and found ... her body.

I'm sad.  I'm more than an 8th the way around the world, and one of the few people in my economy is gone.  I will miss her.

UPDATE:
 I was reading some emails from Mary and found some of her fondest memories of her father:

 Other memories:
  • When I was a little girl 7 or 8, he taught me my prayers that I had to learn for first communion.  Later, when I was about 13 and being confirmed (at that point you're considered an adult in the eyes of the Catholic Church), he was the one who came to the ceremony at the church.
  • When I was at college, he came to surprize me.  I was in a classroom painting and he called and spoke to the professor I was working for.  He said to her "I'd like to speak to 'my little Mary.'"  I was mortified when she told me, but I felt the affection.
  • He cried at my wedding.
  • When I called my parents to tell them Frank and I were getting married, my mom said cynically, "Are we the last to  know? Are you pregnant?" (The answer was no to both) My dad got on the phone right after she said that and when I told him, he said, "That's wonderful! When?  What do you want us to do?" and he sounded so proud and happy.
 I take that she cherished the first memory to be that at one point God and faith were paramount to her, and that my grandpa helped her with that.  I think it is redemptive.
 

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Nearly Dec 2016

Hello Girls,

It has been nearly 6 months.  I have been in your lives and activity, but when you are 20 do you know if you will remember that we made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and how many hours of skylanders we played thanksgiving day.  I have to speak using both my immediate presence and these letters to the future.

So what can I say to you both right now?  Is there a question that you would ask?  Am I speaking to a future that doesn't exist?  Hope says that I am speaking to a future you that is alive, with a good and healthy heart and life, a person worth being, living a life with meaningfulness and that is worth living. If you have all the answers, what would you want me to tell you?  I think the heart is the important part - the key - to all things meaningful in life.  Maybe you miss me?  Statistics and a few peeks at tomorrow suggest that it is a road with some strong curves.  I don't know if I'm going to be there when you are 20.  I'm going to try, but life has its surprises.  I would be happy if you were there when you are 20, compared to the alternative of you not being there.

I will tell you then what I tell you now.  I love you.  My heart smiles and sings for joy when I think of you.  I love your mind and heart.  I love your courage and hard work.  You are the most beautiful people in my mind and heart.  Love covers.  My love says you are without flaw - until you are, then it covers and looks for justification.

We hope to go to Santa's corner office downtown and get pictures and all.  I hope we have a great evening.  You were walking at Charleston Falls near Tipp City, and it is beautiful.  It is fall there, and has been raining.



Saturday, November 26, 2016

... and it is November (2016)

Hello Mathgirls.

I love you.  You are the lights of my life an my heart.  You are why I can go to work and what I am happy to come home to.  I love you and delight in you.

I don't want to tell you how bad and ugly this years politics are.  This isn't a battle for the lesser of two evils, but the lesser of two demonics.  Somehow evil was sanitized, or the world went insane again.  It is a bad circumstance.

I don't want to tell you about how triggered I feel about big-mathgirl wanting to spend the night.  I don't like remembering anger, and powerlessness when my 3rd? 4th? grade little sister spent the night at her friends house and spent the night fighting off her friends rapist big brother, and no adult believed it or did anything until AFTER 8th grade me would not relent in it.  It turned out he is the only perp I have seen beaten so badly that he learned a lesson and left that lifestyle.  I didn't beat him, his father did.

I don't want to tell you about the hope and despair that rise up in my when I think we are pregnant again.  I'm not going to go crazy, much, but this is so hard. 

Lots I don't want to say.

I want to say that you are my favorite people, that I am fighting as hard as I can for your good, your well-being, your happy childhood and successful and excellent adult-hood.  It is hard.  It is up-hill.  That is what grown ups do.

Math-micro, I want to paint our Eiffel tower.  It should be white and pink and pink/glitter/sparkly.
Math-mini, I want to show you a masters program in CS and secretly work you through it, so that by 12 you could be as capable in life as anyone in the world.  I would so dearly dearly love that.

Math-mommy - I don't want the things that crush and tear me to hurt you too.  When you get hurt, I bleed too.  If you are hurt by something hurting me, then it makes me bleed twice or more.  I can't bear it.  I love you and hope you have an excellent day, and month.

I hope this winter goes okay.  I don't like Halloween/Beggars-night.  I am just doing day-to-day to get by.  I am praying for resilience, and for excellent things for us.

God keep you all well.  Though things are hard, God keep me well too.

Friday, June 10, 2016

... and it is June 2016 (part 1)

Hello mathgirls,

It is June.  I'm sad.  Lots of time has passed.  We are playing Final Fantasy XIII as a follow-on to Child of Light.  I wish two people could play.

I have something sad and serious to talk with you about: Brock Turner.

This is about violence.  You live in a world with it.  Your world has law because it is a world full of monsters that look like people.  Law isn't about making people good - it is about getting rid of the ones that show they are monsters.

A boy very badly hurt a girl.  It is a trauma-trigger for a lot of friends and family.  Without any consultation with me, and as part of being trauma-triggered, your mother told you about both sex and rape.  Mathgirl, you are still 7 for a little while.  I was not ready for this.

Brock Turner did not just harm the girl at Stanford, he harmed you.  He harmed your innocence.

Here are some internet links on the story:
I am going to have to teach you some things.  Fate, as it often does, has forced my hand.

One in six women in their lifetimes.  Every two minutes.  
 
I am going to teach you how to leave forensic evidence to prove you said no.  I get to talk you through a rape kit, dangit.  All the blood of all the men in the world can give testimony if someone tries to do the unclean. 
I am going to teach you how to avoid most of those situation.
I am going to see that you are taught about 200 ways to deeply harm or maim any piece of vomit that wants to mistreat you.  I'm house poor, paying two mortgages and not having very much fiscal flexibility.  I don't know if I can afford to put you in a class.  I don't know if I can afford not to.

Some say I should teach you to first flee.  While that is good in theory, it is the sequence that leaves you most vulnerable.  It gives you the least real power after the fact.  It also has the highest chance of making you a victim.  If you fail here, the war is lost. 

Some say I should teach you to break his nose first.  That makes you a tank, but most delays your chance to not have it happen ever.  It doesn't give the chance to be innocent yourself.  It doesn't give the chance to show he (or now s/he) is guilty in the end.  It gives you the power to do to them what they want to do to you - to do violence.  It also does not guarantee that you win in the end.  Fighting back against rapists has not stopped 1 of every 6 college girls from being a victim.

The order has to be - empowered in the end, empowered at the beginning, and empowered.  Rapists are very often repeat offenders.  The greatest service to femininity is going to focus on putting them in jail.  It will give you peace, and give others innocence.  If all women do it, then it gives the most women the best cases. If all people do it, then it gives the most non-perps the best cases.

This is for now.  The US is moving aggressively toward being a rape-dominant culture.  It can go in one summer from being anti-gay to pro-gay, but there is no will in the media and politicians to do good, only to attempt to harness the money and power of an alleged sexual revolution.  Pity.  I wish that our culture could move from being pro-rape to anti-rape. 

There will be more young-people sexually assaulted in the next 10 years than in the hippie revolution.  And if somebody else think there were no extraordinary amount of violence and harm done there then they were part of the problem and have not done science nor justice.  Child, I will strongly resist them getting you.  We can fend them off.  They are not yet strong enough, though they will abuse the surveillance state to proliferate their agenda, they do not own it yet.

Friday, March 18, 2016

midmarch 2016

Hello mathgirls,

It is "lunch" and I have a moment.  I should write.  I don't know what to say.

And after food and brief rest, my time for lunch has gone away.

I hope you fly kites today, like we did a few days ago.  It was quite nice.
I hope you help mom with housekeeping, she has company coming in the evening.

...

and work calls.  Talk to you later.

I love you very much.

-mathdad.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

brief note (end of Feb, 2016)

Self.

You practiced having a person, and feeling while in the womb.
  • https://aeon.co/opinions/why-playing-peekaboo-with-babies-is-a-very-serious-matter
  • http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0024081
I said it when you were in the womb, that you had mind and comprehended number.  I had no doubt that you had self.

Perhaps those who are vegetarian because of what the animals experience - capability of feeling fear or pain during "harvesting" - might consider being more merciful to the unborn.  Probably not, our "civilization" is kind in name, but not in actual practice.  The rate of brutality is increasing, sadly.

I want better for you.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

At library working .. again (Feb 2016)

Hello mathgirlies,

I am working again on project, and you are out and about.

I just had an interaction with an in-company recruiter.  I periodically get pings for "are you interested in this position" from recruiters.  I need to stay current in my field, and I am a bit of an oddball, so l don't fit cleanly in "buckets".  They ask questions.  It is win-win because I get to learn who they think I am, and they get clarification on who they think I am. 

This recruiter judged me.  Every recruiter has to.  At the end of an interaction all the resume's but one get to go in the same (round) file.  To put it in the round, or non-round file takes a judgment.  Even if they were dealing with fog of war there would be a judgment against a random number.

It was a bad match.  I'm glad that the interaction is over.  There is part of me that says "I should win every war, climb every mountain, and always be first".  Pride perhaps?  Vanity?  Self esteem?  I am relieved and unhappy at the same time.  Perhaps that is what growth feels like? 

It is cliche, but you are going to be judged by everyone you ever meet.  They are going to decide if you are "in or out", "pretty or not",  "good or bad".  If you ever serve on a jury then you and some number of your peers are going to find whether someone is "guilty or not guilty".

How do I coach you here?  What does success mean, and how do you make something of it?  Best doesn't mean anything without context.  If you break a just law, then you should be found guilty, right?  If you break an unjust law, what then?  What are the just and unjust laws in all the places in life where you might walk?  Enumerating them is the job of next generation AI's, assuming they get to exist.


I would like to think, I hope, and it is part of my duty as a dad and human to do what I can to assure that, your character as an adult will be as noble and excellent as possible.  If there is a question on your motive to ask, the answer, will likely be inflexible by the time you are an adult.  For this reason, the best I can do is encourage you to spend some time in reflection and solitude with the hard working action of pursuing clarity in your own mind and heart about why you are doing what you are doing.  I think, or would like to think, that given a clear image of the motives, you will change your actions to be the best they can be.

Even now, brief moments after the interaction, the feelings and reality about it are becoming fuzzy, like the one-ring cooling, and the initial impetus for the letter is diminishing.  I love you and want you to be successful.  There are going to be seasons of pain, and some of them are universal.  Nobody gets to avoid them.  Others are driven by your choices, and I would like to think you can choose the best ones.  Sometimes it is a bigger pain to suffer a small contempt than to compromise your integrity in falsely representing yourself.

-mathdad.