Still not yet dec 2016

Hey girlies,

Your Auntie Mary died yesterday.  I found out today at 11am.

I loved her and miss her.  She was one of my favorite people.  I liked her person.  She was alive and engaging.  She was fun.  She was opinionated.  She was a stronger person.

You had several Thanksgivings or Easters with her.  You likely don't remember her.

Here is one of the things that was too soon for you, you weren't mature enough to participate and that is a loss.  (link to "the big girls red")

I know that she was new-agey later in life.  I hope she knew God.  I wonder if I should have prayed more for her while she was alive.  Maybe she loved God for a window of time while growing up.  I hope she knew God.

She doesn't want a funeral, or such.  I know that from when Frank (her husband) died.  We talked after.  She didn't want the crazy. 

She died alone.  She died awake.  She was up when whatever happened, happened.  She didn't make it to work.  Coworkers stopped by to check on her after work and found ... her body.

I'm sad.  I'm more than an 8th the way around the world, and one of the few people in my economy is gone.  I will miss her.

UPDATE:
 I was reading some emails from Mary and found some of her fondest memories of her father:

 Other memories:

• When I was a little girl 7 or 8, he taught me my prayers that I had to learn for first communion.  Later, when I was about 13 and being confirmed (at that point you're considered an adult in the eyes of the Catholic Church), he was the one who came to the ceremony at the church.
• When I was at college, he came to surprize me.  I was in a classroom painting and he called and spoke to the professor I was working for.  He said to her "I'd like to speak to 'my little Mary.'"  I was mortified when she told me, but I felt the affection.
• He cried at my wedding.
• When I called my parents to tell them Frank and I were getting married, my mom said cynically, "Are we the last to  know? Are you pregnant?" (The answer was no to both) My dad got on the phone right after she said that and when I told him, he said, "That's wonderful! When?  What do you want us to do?" and he sounded so proud and happy.

 I take that she cherished the first memory to be that at one point God and faith were paramount to her, and that my grandpa helped her with that.  I think it is redemptive.
 

Nearly Dec 2016

Hello Girls,

It has been nearly 6 months.  I have been in your lives and activity, but when you are 20 do you know if you will remember that we made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and how many hours of skylanders we played thanksgiving day.  I have to speak using both my immediate presence and these letters to the future.

So what can I say to you both right now?  Is there a question that you would ask?  Am I speaking to a future that doesn't exist?  Hope says that I am speaking to a future you that is alive, with a good and healthy heart and life, a person worth being, living a life with meaningfulness and that is worth living. If you have all the answers, what would you want me to tell you?  I think the heart is the important part - the key - to all things meaningful in life.  Maybe you miss me?  Statistics and a few peeks at tomorrow suggest that it is a road with some strong curves.  I don't know if I'm going to be there when you are 20.  I'm going to try, but life has its surprises.  I would be happy if you were there when you are 20, compared to the alternative of you not being there.

I will tell you then what I tell you now.  I love you.  My heart smiles and sings for joy when I think of you.  I love your mind and heart.  I love your courage and hard work.  You are the most beautiful people in my mind and heart.  Love covers.  My love says you are without flaw - until you are, then it covers and looks for justification.

We hope to go to Santa's corner office downtown and get pictures and all.  I hope we have a great evening.  You were walking at Charleston Falls near Tipp City, and it is beautiful.  It is fall there, and has been raining.

... and it is November (2016)

Hello Mathgirls.

I love you.  You are the lights of my life an my heart.  You are why I can go to work and what I am happy to come home to.  I love you and delight in you.

I don't want to tell you how bad and ugly this years politics are.  This isn't a battle for the lesser of two evils, but the lesser of two demonics.  Somehow evil was sanitized, or the world went insane again.  It is a bad circumstance.

I don't want to tell you about how triggered I feel about big-mathgirl wanting to spend the night.  I don't like remembering anger, and powerlessness when my 3rd? 4th? grade little sister spent the night at her friends house and spent the night fighting off her friends rapist big brother, and no adult believed it or did anything until AFTER 8th grade me would not relent in it.  It turned out he is the only perp I have seen beaten so badly that he learned a lesson and left that lifestyle.  I didn't beat him, his father did.

I don't want to tell you about the hope and despair that rise up in my when I think we are pregnant again.  I'm not going to go crazy, much, but this is so hard. 

Lots I don't want to say.

I want to say that you are my favorite people, that I am fighting as hard as I can for your good, your well-being, your happy childhood and successful and excellent adult-hood.  It is hard.  It is up-hill.  That is what grown ups do.

Math-micro, I want to paint our Eiffel tower.  It should be white and pink and pink/glitter/sparkly.
Math-mini, I want to show you a masters program in CS and secretly work you through it, so that by 12 you could be as capable in life as anyone in the world.  I would so dearly dearly love that.

Math-mommy - I don't want the things that crush and tear me to hurt you too.  When you get hurt, I bleed too.  If you are hurt by something hurting me, then it makes me bleed twice or more.  I can't bear it.  I love you and hope you have an excellent day, and month.

I hope this winter goes okay.  I don't like Halloween/Beggars-night.  I am just doing day-to-day to get by.  I am praying for resilience, and for excellent things for us.

God keep you all well.  Though things are hard, God keep me well too.