Saturday, November 26, 2016

... and it is November (2016)

Hello Mathgirls.

I love you.  You are the lights of my life an my heart.  You are why I can go to work and what I am happy to come home to.  I love you and delight in you.

I don't want to tell you how bad and ugly this years politics are.  This isn't a battle for the lesser of two evils, but the lesser of two demonics.  Somehow evil was sanitized, or the world went insane again.  It is a bad circumstance.

I don't want to tell you about how triggered I feel about big-mathgirl wanting to spend the night.  I don't like remembering anger, and powerlessness when my 3rd? 4th? grade little sister spent the night at her friends house and spent the night fighting off her friends rapist big brother, and no adult believed it or did anything until AFTER 8th grade me would not relent in it.  It turned out he is the only perp I have seen beaten so badly that he learned a lesson and left that lifestyle.  I didn't beat him, his father did.

I don't want to tell you about the hope and despair that rise up in my when I think we are pregnant again.  I'm not going to go crazy, much, but this is so hard. 

Lots I don't want to say.

I want to say that you are my favorite people, that I am fighting as hard as I can for your good, your well-being, your happy childhood and successful and excellent adult-hood.  It is hard.  It is up-hill.  That is what grown ups do.

Math-micro, I want to paint our Eiffel tower.  It should be white and pink and pink/glitter/sparkly.
Math-mini, I want to show you a masters program in CS and secretly work you through it, so that by 12 you could be as capable in life as anyone in the world.  I would so dearly dearly love that.

Math-mommy - I don't want the things that crush and tear me to hurt you too.  When you get hurt, I bleed too.  If you are hurt by something hurting me, then it makes me bleed twice or more.  I can't bear it.  I love you and hope you have an excellent day, and month.

I hope this winter goes okay.  I don't like Halloween/Beggars-night.  I am just doing day-to-day to get by.  I am praying for resilience, and for excellent things for us.

God keep you all well.  Though things are hard, God keep me well too.

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