January 2010

Hey there Baby girl. I love you.

I have this picture as my desktop. I look into your trusting eyes... for a season I have the chance to build up your heart, and ... I work 1200 miles away from you for 5 days a week. I'm wasting this once-in-your-lifetime once-in-my-lifetime chance to be there for you.

I want to be a good daddy for you. Part of it is keeping you in food, shelter, and out of public schools. Public education in the US is a victim of "the brave new world" and the best way to destroy the potential hidden in youth.. in you. They keep you dumb. You pick up all the bad habits of your peers. Those same (dumb) peers take rulership over you as a teen and force you into all sorts of bad habits including hating your parents, education, drugs, promiscuity, ... darkness. *sigh*

Baby I miss you. You don't cry anymore when I leave on the airplane, your eyes just look sad. You are getting used to living without dad. I think that, if it isnt interrupted, that is a precedent that can last a lifetime, and touch a lifetime for the worse.

December 2009

Hey There mathbaby,

You say "beat that" often. I say back "you can't beat that." I delight in you.

Our friends suggest that we record your cute voice, because as you get older it should change. One friend with a teenage daughter says "soo skinny, soo angry!" - it would be sad if you went that way. I hope that I can be properly proud of you as long as you life.

So enough about tomorrow, what happened in december?
You saw horses, (insert picture) and went to zoolights (insert pictures).

You loved the first third of your presents, then didn't want to open any more. You were sad that we made you open the rest - you wanted to play with what you had. You are wiser than the other 330 million Americans who make Christmas a celebration of avarice, and a festival of materialistic greed. In your innocence you put us all to shame and show true greatness. I hope that your heart is

November 2009

Kiddo, you are the best.

We were sick for Thanksgiving, but had a great turkey-day on Saturday this year.

So I said to your mommy "Maybe she isn't feeling good and should have some Tylenol".

You came up to me and asked to be picked up with your "pick me up" hand sign.

You pointed toward the hall and said "Pease" and signed it too. I walked that way.

You pointed into the bathroom and said "Pease, Pease!" and signed it too. I went in and turned on the light.

You pointed at the medicine cabinet and said "Pease" and signed too. I opened it.

You pointed at the bottle of "Tylenol" and said "Pease".

You were a sick and miserable little mathbaby. Your nose was runny, and you were coughing.

We had that cold too. I had muscle soreness from it. You did too.

You were the cutest, most sincere little girl.

And at 17 months you knew what Tylenol was, and where it was kept.

You are so very smart.

I love you little girl. I'm proud of you.

So one of my coworkers says that reading Donald Duck adventures can be great.

I want to try it out on you - her recommendation.

Carl Barks - Donald Duck Adventures - 150 ish pages.

I will try to get some newer pictures of you here.

I love you mathbaby. God has made me one of the richest men in the world - and both you and your mathmommy are my wealth. I love you both, and treasure you both.

Month 16

You were the worlds cutest duckie for All Hallows Eve.

You had a duck-bill hat, and duck feet shoes.

We went to a local mall, and trick or treated at the stores.

They would give stickers, or candy, or high-five you.

You loved all three.

You would ask please in both word and signing please.

In the picture you are holding 2 of your 5 favorite blankies.

All of your blankies are your favorite blankie.

Toward the end you just melted down. You fell asleep in the car, and were the world's cutest sleeping baby girl by the time we got home.

You love playing tag. You love hide and seek.

You engage me less, and I miss it.

You are so desperately hungry to be a big person.

You point to all lights and call them hot.

You are still learning the difference between hot and cold.

I love you baby girl. I am at work and won't be home for a week. I miss you and your math-momma.

You cried when we said goodbye at the airport.

In a little way I long for the unhindered heart in myself that would give me permission to cry like you did. I really feel like it every time I fly away.

There is a horse doctor down the road from us. You are afraid of the big horses, clydesdales, there. You are desperately curious when they are 10+ feet away. Closer than that you grip me hard in terror, but don't quite look away.

Month 15

Hey Mathbaby,

You are asleep in the other room. More fluent in sign, but not as much of an extrovert. I have given you so much other-people that your .. extroversion needs are filled? Are you bored? I'm not an extrovert, but I tried as an act of will to enable what I perceived as yours. I think that has served me somewhat well in this case.

You are working at being a happy, well balanced, baby. You are bright, but you love the things that babies love. You love puppies, birdies, flowers. ...

I was reading books of children's rhymes and realized that if I can be a clever poet, one of my gifts, then I can make math-poems that are easier to retain. As much as its a language for me ... I want it to be an open door for you. Here is hoping it works.

My friend Austyn says that the whole car-strategy could backfire. You could love cars, but not be interested enough in the parts of them that I am for us to have a relevant bridge later on. Mathbaby - my daddy left when I was 11 so I have had a hole in my heart, and life since. I have watched where-ever I am to see what real parents do - both so I can know but also so if I don't get to have it, I can just see what it is that I'm missing out on. Baby - there is such a gap. Many kids who have parents have a hole as big as mine. They don't know it and don't have the advantage of my blatant situation to tell them of the gap. It is a shame. It is a cryin' shame.

I want to be a better daddy, dad, father, hero... to you than my father was to me. That is a really low bar because my dad was more interested in not being around, and was owned by some very unkind addictions. I want to be a better dad to you than the best dad I've ever known or seen. Its a lofty - arguably unattainable - goal.

Part of that is bridges. Connections.

I know you are going to lie to me - indicating in the language of actions that your control of what I perceive is more important to you than the truth, and that you would rather some part of our relationship was founded on a lie. Every kid lies to their parent.

I know you are going to tell me you hate me. Every kid says that too.

We will work through those. We will work around those. They are at the very tip of the crack, the beginning of the break. You serve today in a lack of vision, but do not realize what that does to tomorrow.

Please... there must be some way to connect. There must be something that can bring us together. Like a house - the boards have strength that is stronger than wind or rain - otherwise the house is washed away in the first storm. There must be something, we must find something, that brings us together with a strength that is greater than what so often tries to and successfully does tear families apart.

Month 14

You were an awesome baby this month.

You have a signed plus spoken outgoing vocabulary of 50 words.

You understand upwards toward 100 words.

You flew on a plane - high high above the birdies you are so fascinated with.

(link to sign for airplane)

You met your grandma, your foster grandma, and your grand-mum.

It was a "grand-rich" trip for you.

I have forgotten to tell you the great things you did over labor-day weekend.

You are willing to show about 10-15 signs to people when I show you off.

You saw your first squirrel - and were quite fascinated.

Still curious about water - must teach you more about swimming.

You have impeccable fashion taste.

You initiated, selected, and requested your own sandals - Micah wasn't even looking for shoes.

They are cute, have hearts, and match several outfits in your wardrobe so well.

I am in so much trouble. At 13 months you have better fashion sense than me.

My current plan to connect with you is cars.

You are a control freak - you long to drive.

I think that I want to try to (make or hack) you a working barbie pink cute car thing.

(link to picture of vehicle)

When you start getting "bored" with it, then I will get you upgrades, or stickers, or something.

The goal is to keep you interested in what makes cars work.

If I am a very lucky man not only will you be brilliant, curious, extroverted, and having great fashion sense, but you will also be into cars.

I like cars.

Maybe - it can be a bridge.

Baby girl - I see so many teens so far away from their parents.

The world tells them to run - but that isn't because the running is good, its because the world wants to eat them. The world will eat you, chew you up and shit you out, if you give it a billionth of a chance.

I hope you give me a bridge - a place where we can connect. My job is to provide, protect, and equip you for life. Please give me the avenue to do that. I'm trying to build them - please let them be built.

Your math-mommie says the control algorithm for food acquisition is becoming highly sophisticated. You beat current automata in how well you can drive a fork to eat food.

Become capable - in the basics of eating, and the hard stuff of being successful in life and evading the predators. I love you. You are the delight of my heart - and though you will likely come to contempt that and view the very precious thing as so axiomatic that it is contemptible - you are one of only 3 beings on the planet who have that particular type of place in my heart. Do well. The great theme of humanity is screwing itself over by wasting its greatness and turning it to dung. Do not become someone who sings a part in that sad and wretched choir. Be something - someone - who is meaningful. Be great baby girl -be great.

PS: you learned to drink from a straw over labor-day weekend. It is your new preferred method for consuming fluids. You impressed me quite a bit when you discovered you were not so good at walking on uneven ground, so you practiced walking back and forth over bumps until you got it right. That shows one of the most valuable things - self discipline. I am so very very proud of you. You might be the coolest baby-girl in the whole world.

13 Months

Hey there mathbaby,

You are still quite cute.

You are dressed up in hair-ties and hair clips.

You look quite the 80's pop-star.

Even getting hair.

I get to visit on the weekends - I'm at about 100% travel.

Its hard, but better than being away for 6 months straight.

You fuss more - I guess it is the strategy that yields what works for you often enough.

It is likely enhanced by teething (that hurts) and by dad being away sometimes.

I am making your mathmom a solar oven. It is something that runs on sunlight and can decrease energy use in the house by a lot (especially when you live in the parts of AZ that are 117 in daytime and the air-conditioner MUST run all day. Why give it more work?

I am trying to make a hybrid of this:

Flat surface

Simple construction

Single reflector

Angle related to sun-angle

(NOAA link, I think)

with this:

Corner reflector

More sunlight captured

Collector area much greater than oven area.

I bought and cut dark tiles from home depot. It is taking 6 of them.

They make a great heat-absorber. They convert light to heat, but then do not conduct it out of the box.

The prototype increases temperature from 120 to 180 with about 2 square feet of area (less normal to sun) for a temperature change of 60 degrees. I hypothesize (and it might not be true) that if I put in 3x as much energy the delta-temperature will go up by a factor of 3x.

Here is a good paper talking about solar ovens! (link)

Maybe it will make your mommies life a little easier.

Maybe our bills will be lower too.

We will see.

Have a good evening mathbaby.

-mathdad.