Month 15

Hey Mathbaby,

You are asleep in the other room. More fluent in sign, but not as much of an extrovert. I have given you so much other-people that your .. extroversion needs are filled? Are you bored? I'm not an extrovert, but I tried as an act of will to enable what I perceived as yours. I think that has served me somewhat well in this case.

You are working at being a happy, well balanced, baby. You are bright, but you love the things that babies love. You love puppies, birdies, flowers. ...

I was reading books of children's rhymes and realized that if I can be a clever poet, one of my gifts, then I can make math-poems that are easier to retain. As much as its a language for me ... I want it to be an open door for you. Here is hoping it works.

My friend Austyn says that the whole car-strategy could backfire. You could love cars, but not be interested enough in the parts of them that I am for us to have a relevant bridge later on. Mathbaby - my daddy left when I was 11 so I have had a hole in my heart, and life since. I have watched where-ever I am to see what real parents do - both so I can know but also so if I don't get to have it, I can just see what it is that I'm missing out on. Baby - there is such a gap. Many kids who have parents have a hole as big as mine. They don't know it and don't have the advantage of my blatant situation to tell them of the gap. It is a shame. It is a cryin' shame.

I want to be a better daddy, dad, father, hero... to you than my father was to me. That is a really low bar because my dad was more interested in not being around, and was owned by some very unkind addictions. I want to be a better dad to you than the best dad I've ever known or seen. Its a lofty - arguably unattainable - goal.

Part of that is bridges. Connections.

I know you are going to lie to me - indicating in the language of actions that your control of what I perceive is more important to you than the truth, and that you would rather some part of our relationship was founded on a lie. Every kid lies to their parent.

I know you are going to tell me you hate me. Every kid says that too.

We will work through those. We will work around those. They are at the very tip of the crack, the beginning of the break. You serve today in a lack of vision, but do not realize what that does to tomorrow.

Please... there must be some way to connect. There must be something that can bring us together. Like a house - the boards have strength that is stronger than wind or rain - otherwise the house is washed away in the first storm. There must be something, we must find something, that brings us together with a strength that is greater than what so often tries to and successfully does tear families apart.