Aug 2010

I know it's been a while since I posted.

We went up to the mountains this weekend to enjoy the cool air.

I don't know why you have nightmares like you do.

You wake up screaming and scared so bad you are shaking.

The darkness has hunted me all of my life - I really don't want that for you.

I'm trying hard to not get fired. Trying to not die young. Trying to provide a good life for you.

How do I give you a good hope for the future?

How do I give you the best chance to be a successful person, a contributing member of society?

Working 60 hours a week for paycheck of 40 hours per week isn't doing it.

Everyone getting hired is Masters degree or higher .. I only have Bachelors.

Yeah ... I listened to my last manager who wanted to have me move up north - and got screwed.

No longer in any grad program - I reapplied to masters.

You want to fly a kite this evening. I want to help you fly it.

I will be working and then in school until 8pm, so ... not going to happen today.

How many days left until you never ask me again?

The Lord knows that I don't want to find out, I want to make the most of the time.

The Lord knows that I want to be flying kites with you when you are old.

You had fun playing with your best friend T. while we were up north.

You are so curious, so wanting to explore everything.

You know your alphabet up to the letter "K" in pictures, sounds, and sign-language. You are so smart little girl.

The world is all about potential wasted - and it wants to see greatness turned to dirt. Don't let it turn you into nothing. Don't let it destroy you.

God please keep my baby girl. Amen.

July 2010

You are two, Mathbaby.

You were reading before you were two, when you were 1.30 years old really. I am very happy with that.

You make great jokes.

When asked what is your name you say, with that cute grin "you" or "her" along with your other names. You will say "mommy, mommy" then get a big grin and say "wife". You discovered that your mathmommy has other names, like wife.

You had a fun birthday party. It was bug-themed. I tried to do a Mariposa Butterfly Fairie theme, but that didn't happen. We had fake butterfly wings .. I hope to someday give you working ones. You have wanted to fly (or be a bird) since you were 3 months old.

You opened two of your presents and were done. I love that you are not materialistic in that way, although you could likely own 20 more blankies and not have enough.

Your Godmother in NM is sick. She might be dying. We will know in a while. If she is doing better, she can meet you. If not we can go to say our goodbyes. She is a truly amazing woman, and the world is a much richer place for her having lived in it. It would be richer if there were a 10 million more people just like her in it. I spent several hours trying, and can not think of a single person that she has ever done wrong by - isn't that amazing. I can think of dozens that might have legit beef with me in the last 12 years, my friend Dave, my sibs, my mom ... I try really hard to do right by everyone but it just doesn't usually work out. I can not think of a single person that she hasn't done right by. Her name is Suzanne, and her husband is Sam.

I can't aspire to be that kind of person, but I hope you both aspire and succeed.

We now go out to the park to fly a kite. I love you mathbaby. Math-toddler now. *sigh*
You grow big so fast!

Good Moments, June 2010

Hello there Mathbaby,

You have gotten bigger. You are almost 2. You have a huge vocabulary. You communicate effectively. You have started inventing games like "hide and seek". Although others invented them, and you are re-inventing the wheel, it is amazing.

Here is a picture of you trying to write. You see your mathmommy and I writing and you want to. Your "squiggles" are amazingly like a script. You have gone through "your baby can read" and you know some words. You write letters, but you do not understand how they make words.

You are an explorer and a thinker

Some of the better moments with you have been:

• Being a "food friend" and exposing you to new, and wonderful tastes. You have more culinary courage than most 10 or 20 year olds that I know.
• having you show me and you to mathmommy with our hands in our pockets. You are so very delighted to have pockets like your mathdad.

I love your sense of humor. You learned that mathmommy and mathdaddy have different names. You will say "mommy, mommy" then smile with your impish grin, and say "wiife" because you hear your mathdad call her that. That same humor made you call yourself "you" for a while. When asked what your name was instead of saying "mathbaby, mini, or cute" you would get that same grin and semi-pause, then say "yoou".

So we are reading "outliers" by Gladwell. How do we maximize your opportunity? How do we match it to your capabilities? How do we teach you to work, as Gladwell says "very (very) hard"? Where should your 10,000 hours go in order to make you a world-class master? What should you be a master of?

I love you and I hope you have a great June.

Love, Mathdad

January 2010

Hey there Baby girl. I love you.

I have this picture as my desktop. I look into your trusting eyes... for a season I have the chance to build up your heart, and ... I work 1200 miles away from you for 5 days a week. I'm wasting this once-in-your-lifetime once-in-my-lifetime chance to be there for you.

I want to be a good daddy for you. Part of it is keeping you in food, shelter, and out of public schools. Public education in the US is a victim of "the brave new world" and the best way to destroy the potential hidden in youth.. in you. They keep you dumb. You pick up all the bad habits of your peers. Those same (dumb) peers take rulership over you as a teen and force you into all sorts of bad habits including hating your parents, education, drugs, promiscuity, ... darkness. *sigh*

Baby I miss you. You don't cry anymore when I leave on the airplane, your eyes just look sad. You are getting used to living without dad. I think that, if it isnt interrupted, that is a precedent that can last a lifetime, and touch a lifetime for the worse.

December 2009

Hey There mathbaby,

You say "beat that" often. I say back "you can't beat that." I delight in you.

Our friends suggest that we record your cute voice, because as you get older it should change. One friend with a teenage daughter says "soo skinny, soo angry!" - it would be sad if you went that way. I hope that I can be properly proud of you as long as you life.

So enough about tomorrow, what happened in december?
You saw horses, (insert picture) and went to zoolights (insert pictures).

You loved the first third of your presents, then didn't want to open any more. You were sad that we made you open the rest - you wanted to play with what you had. You are wiser than the other 330 million Americans who make Christmas a celebration of avarice, and a festival of materialistic greed. In your innocence you put us all to shame and show true greatness. I hope that your heart is

November 2009

Kiddo, you are the best.

We were sick for Thanksgiving, but had a great turkey-day on Saturday this year.

So I said to your mommy "Maybe she isn't feeling good and should have some Tylenol".

You came up to me and asked to be picked up with your "pick me up" hand sign.

You pointed toward the hall and said "Pease" and signed it too. I walked that way.

You pointed into the bathroom and said "Pease, Pease!" and signed it too. I went in and turned on the light.

You pointed at the medicine cabinet and said "Pease" and signed too. I opened it.

You pointed at the bottle of "Tylenol" and said "Pease".

You were a sick and miserable little mathbaby. Your nose was runny, and you were coughing.

We had that cold too. I had muscle soreness from it. You did too.

You were the cutest, most sincere little girl.

And at 17 months you knew what Tylenol was, and where it was kept.

You are so very smart.

I love you little girl. I'm proud of you.

So one of my coworkers says that reading Donald Duck adventures can be great.

I want to try it out on you - her recommendation.

Carl Barks - Donald Duck Adventures - 150 ish pages.

I will try to get some newer pictures of you here.

I love you mathbaby. God has made me one of the richest men in the world - and both you and your mathmommy are my wealth. I love you both, and treasure you both.

Month 16

You were the worlds cutest duckie for All Hallows Eve.

You had a duck-bill hat, and duck feet shoes.

We went to a local mall, and trick or treated at the stores.

They would give stickers, or candy, or high-five you.

You loved all three.

You would ask please in both word and signing please.

In the picture you are holding 2 of your 5 favorite blankies.

All of your blankies are your favorite blankie.

Toward the end you just melted down. You fell asleep in the car, and were the world's cutest sleeping baby girl by the time we got home.

You love playing tag. You love hide and seek.

You engage me less, and I miss it.

You are so desperately hungry to be a big person.

You point to all lights and call them hot.

You are still learning the difference between hot and cold.

I love you baby girl. I am at work and won't be home for a week. I miss you and your math-momma.

You cried when we said goodbye at the airport.

In a little way I long for the unhindered heart in myself that would give me permission to cry like you did. I really feel like it every time I fly away.

There is a horse doctor down the road from us. You are afraid of the big horses, clydesdales, there. You are desperately curious when they are 10+ feet away. Closer than that you grip me hard in terror, but don't quite look away.