Hello Big Girl. Big girls now. My girlies.
I am re-reading "Letters from Dad" - it inspired me in this blogging endeavor. Rereading it helps me think through the reasons why I do this and it helps to evaluate the message.
If you were to get three wishes from a Genie in a bottle would you waste them? I wish I knew whether this was a wish. In a way this blog is a wish. It is, likely, to last longer than I do. It is a message in a bottle. I can speak now into it, and be assured that at some point, if you want, if you know, if you want to listen - you can hear ... or at least read. It gives me a sense of connection. In that miracle - that instant of connection across the years it would be a waste to say words that are less than all I mean. To the degree that I can help myself not make that error, I want to give you an intentional and non-random or accidental message.
You are my delight. You are strong and smart - courageous and funny. You are all that every person should aspire to be. My brain asserts itself and says you have flaws. In the eyes of my love for you - you are transformed. There is a self that is you that I can access through that vision, and that you can't access. If you can't access it - is it really you. It could be. If you want it to, if you are open to it, if you receive it, then it might.
Mini - I want you to work hard. You can never work harder than you can, but if you are willing to push yourself then you will learn the lesson that every great person knows: you can work much harder than you think you can. Basketball and ballet, business and productivity - they are all about mental toughness. You have an amazing mind but it will not bloom unless you work it hard. You were using sign-language at 6 weeks old and pictures of it are in this blog. I think you might have a bent for biology, morphology, and nomenclature - a natural doctor or vet from when you were less than 1 year old. You don't have to be that. You could be any number of great things. I think might be one of several things that are aligned with your natural strengths.
Mikro - I know that you are strong. You are very kinesthetic. You stood on your own strength at six weeks. It took that long because I was afraid to hurt you by allowing you to try it the day you were born. You are strong in body. I hunger for you to get a posture of balance. Imbalance is to become all of one thing and none of another. You have a capability for hard work, but it needs to be balanced with direction. Oh I want you to succeed. I can't begin to tell you how I long for you to have great things.
I pray for you two nearly every day. Nearly every day. God keep you. God fill you with light and life. God give you a good future, a good hope. God keep you.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Late August 2014
Hello mathgirls.
It is late in August and I am 1800 miles away. You are (in theory) going camping up on the rim. There was a traffic issue so I don't know anything about timing or how it is all working. I hope that it is amazing. Would you notice? I would like to think that I would and that you would, but we miss it. Sometimes when you are a kid, or adult ... basically a human ... . Sometimes when you are a human you miss it. Sometimes you get it. Missing it feels exactly like it is not there, when it actually is. If you ponder a little bit, think on the days you have had, not just remembering or replay them, but asking them good hard questions, then sometimes you can learn where you missed. It is an imperfect science ... or art.
I wanted to tell you something, something important. I forgot what it was. The snarky person might call it senilty or suggest that it must not have been important. The emotion behind the words I wrote in the preceding paragraph distracted the attention of my memory and I misplaced what I wanted to tell you. I was remembering times that I thought were booring or empty as a kid, and realizing that they had some serious magic that I missed out on. Regret is strong when you get older or ... middle aged.
I ate dinner at Cracker Barrel. They had a waitress there, a kid. Slightly older than you. I don't know her name. She mentioned her boyfriend. I asked how they work in conflict resolution - a critical part of any relationship. Unless you have serious ptsd or damage - nearly anyone can survive when it is peaceful, and easy. It is the hard things - the winters - that must be endured. The challenge then, with the weather and with relationships, is to be able to live well enough in the good times, but also to know what it takes and be adequately staged for success in the hard times. How you fight as a married couple can make or break the relationship. She just withdraws. The waitress said she shuts up, and suppresses.
So I want to tell you about it. Are you ready. One of the very dumb (dumb dumb dumb) things that your gender in our current society does is lionize sucking it up and suppressing. That stages women for so much failure. I wanted to tell the waitress - take a class in negotiation. Learn to both advocate for yourself and communicate your desires. Instead of screaming, or self-strangling, why not a balanced and sustainable approach that leads to success in life. Why binge then starve - an emotionalistic anorexia - when a balanced diet and healthy emotional state can give you a stunningly more rewarding life? I wanted to tell her that debate might do it, but negotiation is responsible for her gender making substantially less than men for the same job. It isn't all the gap, but it is a good chunk. It is accessible. Why not learn it, right?
I remember now, what I want to tell you. Given time and the natural decay of the burst of emotional fog the librarian of the mind comes back online and functions again. I like it here at night. It takes so long for the sun to set, so I missed until this day the experience. When I drive around this place there are so many trees it feels like it is an inhuman jungle. You might get that at first. It feels so far divorced from the community of humans - but it isnt. At night the lights show through. You can see the houses and roads through the greenery and you realize that this is a town bigger than Payson. Heh. Did you see that. You are likely going to be camping on the other side of Payson this weekend and I brought it up. It is nice to know that humans live here - somewhere.
I read an article today that says give your best everywhere, but don't make your work the best of you, because when your work is over, you lose too large a piece of your self. I don't want that. Not for me. Not for you. Not even for your kids.
I love what I do. I need to get working now while I can. There are things that you are going to need that if I work now they get provided.
I love you. I wish you were here with me, and I know that will come in time. In my heart I am comforted by what I think is a whisper from Providence saying that things are in bigger hands than mine. It is both scary and comforting.
Good night. I love you and miss you. You are my favorite little persons - both of you - my favorite little people in the whole wide world.
It is late in August and I am 1800 miles away. You are (in theory) going camping up on the rim. There was a traffic issue so I don't know anything about timing or how it is all working. I hope that it is amazing. Would you notice? I would like to think that I would and that you would, but we miss it. Sometimes when you are a kid, or adult ... basically a human ... . Sometimes when you are a human you miss it. Sometimes you get it. Missing it feels exactly like it is not there, when it actually is. If you ponder a little bit, think on the days you have had, not just remembering or replay them, but asking them good hard questions, then sometimes you can learn where you missed. It is an imperfect science ... or art.
I wanted to tell you something, something important. I forgot what it was. The snarky person might call it senilty or suggest that it must not have been important. The emotion behind the words I wrote in the preceding paragraph distracted the attention of my memory and I misplaced what I wanted to tell you. I was remembering times that I thought were booring or empty as a kid, and realizing that they had some serious magic that I missed out on. Regret is strong when you get older or ... middle aged.
I ate dinner at Cracker Barrel. They had a waitress there, a kid. Slightly older than you. I don't know her name. She mentioned her boyfriend. I asked how they work in conflict resolution - a critical part of any relationship. Unless you have serious ptsd or damage - nearly anyone can survive when it is peaceful, and easy. It is the hard things - the winters - that must be endured. The challenge then, with the weather and with relationships, is to be able to live well enough in the good times, but also to know what it takes and be adequately staged for success in the hard times. How you fight as a married couple can make or break the relationship. She just withdraws. The waitress said she shuts up, and suppresses.
So I want to tell you about it. Are you ready. One of the very dumb (dumb dumb dumb) things that your gender in our current society does is lionize sucking it up and suppressing. That stages women for so much failure. I wanted to tell the waitress - take a class in negotiation. Learn to both advocate for yourself and communicate your desires. Instead of screaming, or self-strangling, why not a balanced and sustainable approach that leads to success in life. Why binge then starve - an emotionalistic anorexia - when a balanced diet and healthy emotional state can give you a stunningly more rewarding life? I wanted to tell her that debate might do it, but negotiation is responsible for her gender making substantially less than men for the same job. It isn't all the gap, but it is a good chunk. It is accessible. Why not learn it, right?
I remember now, what I want to tell you. Given time and the natural decay of the burst of emotional fog the librarian of the mind comes back online and functions again. I like it here at night. It takes so long for the sun to set, so I missed until this day the experience. When I drive around this place there are so many trees it feels like it is an inhuman jungle. You might get that at first. It feels so far divorced from the community of humans - but it isnt. At night the lights show through. You can see the houses and roads through the greenery and you realize that this is a town bigger than Payson. Heh. Did you see that. You are likely going to be camping on the other side of Payson this weekend and I brought it up. It is nice to know that humans live here - somewhere.
I read an article today that says give your best everywhere, but don't make your work the best of you, because when your work is over, you lose too large a piece of your self. I don't want that. Not for me. Not for you. Not even for your kids.
I love what I do. I need to get working now while I can. There are things that you are going to need that if I work now they get provided.
I love you. I wish you were here with me, and I know that will come in time. In my heart I am comforted by what I think is a whisper from Providence saying that things are in bigger hands than mine. It is both scary and comforting.
Good night. I love you and miss you. You are my favorite little persons - both of you - my favorite little people in the whole wide world.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Mid August, 2014
What is the proper way to say hello and I love you to the two most excellent kiddos in the world? When I say hello kiddos it seems to lack the sense of affection. I love you.
I'm in an airport in Ohio waiting for a plane. Eating a burger and waiting to be in air-travel for the next 7 hours.
Plane is here. Gotta go.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
The lies in the Frozen song "Let it go"
Mathgirl,
I told you there were several dangerous lies, ideas that will put you on a failing path so early in life, in the song "Let it go" by Idina Menzel.
Here is a link to the lyrics, and the song:
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I'm the queen.
Her fear and the darkness made it a kingdom of isolation. She could have done it differently, the isolation was her choice. When you are ruled by the darkness then you are the slave, not the queen. The illusion of power made her more a slave, and less free.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!
Suppressing feelings is always a bad thing. Being a loose cannon and not have discretion on how you vomit your emotions on others is always a bad thing. They are the two extremes that orbit the center of balanced expression. Courtesy is the art of living well with others - and part of it is not rude, or violent. Part of it is about being genuine.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!
Letting it go is not how wonderful things are made. Hard work and discipline, in retrospect a small price, are what it costs to do great things. It has been said that "eternal vigilance is the price of freedom". Take the aroma of that as a gift - freedom is the fruit of a tree who's seed is hard work.
It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!
The fears that controlled her still control her. Running from fear only makes it larger, not smaller. She was just as much a prisoner of fear in the ice palace as she was in the cold bedroom.
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!
There are always limits. God has limits, self-imposed but globally constraining. Knowing the rules, what they are or have changed into is how to achieve victory, success, and life. Breaking them for the sake of breaking them is a waste of energy - dissipation. Being without rules makes one a slave, not free. Appropriate rules for the person, for the community - that is where actual freedom lives.
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back,
The past is in the past!
It is dangerous to make an oath in anger. Never going back is not an option. We are products of our history - created by it. It leaves more fingerprints in us than we can ever count. No matter where we are, we are also where we were. In her fear, and even rejoicing in never going back - part of her was back.
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!
In the end she says "that perfect girl" is gone. She means the opposite of those words. If you were truly perfect - the last thing you want is change. She means that the imperfect, broken, failure she felt like is something that she can put behind her. It still defines her actions. It is a lie.
When you hear it, you think that there is something about a former you - the you that you are now that could use changing. You have no idea how perfect you are. Love transforms. It causes one to see the silver through the tarnish - see the wood behind the paint. My daughter, you are a treasure to me and in my heart and my eyes you are perfect. When I hear you sing the words - words that will come true soon enough as you grow and the perfect little girl is gone no matter who you become - I want to weep. I never want the perfect you that you are to be gone.
You were not born to be a child - but you don't have one drop of the ocean of damage and hurt that the person who wrote the lyrics has. There is no storm to rage, there is no rules to break free from. I respect that you want a battle to fight, a prize to win, and a rubric for meaningfulness a meaningful life. I don't know exactly what you should be - there are many doors open at this point. I am here to enable and empower you, but the doors that you walk through are - each step of the way - your choice to walk through or burn.
I love you. I am committed to you even if you can't see me. Your mathmommy and I - we are here for you.
You should do what nobody in your generation is doing. You should understand that, and make the most of it - and make of yourself the amazing you that you could be.
I told you there were several dangerous lies, ideas that will put you on a failing path so early in life, in the song "Let it go" by Idina Menzel.
Here is a link to the lyrics, and the song:
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I'm the queen.
Her fear and the darkness made it a kingdom of isolation. She could have done it differently, the isolation was her choice. When you are ruled by the darkness then you are the slave, not the queen. The illusion of power made her more a slave, and less free.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!
Suppressing feelings is always a bad thing. Being a loose cannon and not have discretion on how you vomit your emotions on others is always a bad thing. They are the two extremes that orbit the center of balanced expression. Courtesy is the art of living well with others - and part of it is not rude, or violent. Part of it is about being genuine.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!
Letting it go is not how wonderful things are made. Hard work and discipline, in retrospect a small price, are what it costs to do great things. It has been said that "eternal vigilance is the price of freedom". Take the aroma of that as a gift - freedom is the fruit of a tree who's seed is hard work.
It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!
The fears that controlled her still control her. Running from fear only makes it larger, not smaller. She was just as much a prisoner of fear in the ice palace as she was in the cold bedroom.
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!
There are always limits. God has limits, self-imposed but globally constraining. Knowing the rules, what they are or have changed into is how to achieve victory, success, and life. Breaking them for the sake of breaking them is a waste of energy - dissipation. Being without rules makes one a slave, not free. Appropriate rules for the person, for the community - that is where actual freedom lives.
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back,
The past is in the past!
It is dangerous to make an oath in anger. Never going back is not an option. We are products of our history - created by it. It leaves more fingerprints in us than we can ever count. No matter where we are, we are also where we were. In her fear, and even rejoicing in never going back - part of her was back.
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!
In the end she says "that perfect girl" is gone. She means the opposite of those words. If you were truly perfect - the last thing you want is change. She means that the imperfect, broken, failure she felt like is something that she can put behind her. It still defines her actions. It is a lie.
When you hear it, you think that there is something about a former you - the you that you are now that could use changing. You have no idea how perfect you are. Love transforms. It causes one to see the silver through the tarnish - see the wood behind the paint. My daughter, you are a treasure to me and in my heart and my eyes you are perfect. When I hear you sing the words - words that will come true soon enough as you grow and the perfect little girl is gone no matter who you become - I want to weep. I never want the perfect you that you are to be gone.
You were not born to be a child - but you don't have one drop of the ocean of damage and hurt that the person who wrote the lyrics has. There is no storm to rage, there is no rules to break free from. I respect that you want a battle to fight, a prize to win, and a rubric for meaningfulness a meaningful life. I don't know exactly what you should be - there are many doors open at this point. I am here to enable and empower you, but the doors that you walk through are - each step of the way - your choice to walk through or burn.
I love you. I am committed to you even if you can't see me. Your mathmommy and I - we are here for you.
I never seriously thought about conquering the world by force until you came along. Your parents are committed to your well being with a strong ness that is almost alien to them. Alien in both strength and personality.
You should do what nobody in your generation is doing. You should understand that, and make the most of it - and make of yourself the amazing you that you could be.
Addendum:
My friend Lynn suggests that where the bible says "if you speak all the languages of men and angels and know all mysteries but have no love then you are an empty clanging noise and you have nothing" in the first letter to Corinth church - it speaks here too. Elsa was not rich in love; she was poor. It is insufficient of you to aspire to such a small thing.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
early August 2014
Hello Mathgirl.
At this point I am going to name you mathgirl, though the math is more about me than you. Your 2 year old baby sister is the new mathbaby.
I am living in hotels in Ohio. Working a new job, trying to move. Arizona is going into another recession. It is actually just continuing the one that it had been in. One can't treat the symptom and remove the disease. One must treat the disease. Treating the symptoms works to hide minor ailments, not major damage. The politicians who never read this should hear it.
So here is a picture of two fish. Which would you rather be, the one on the left with a drain that can only take a portion of what you need to live, or the one on the right who will run out of water, dry up, and die?
Our "leaders" have decided on policies that, at all scales, make us the fish on the right and not the fish on the left. Production (creation of water) is in China. Capability to make production is there to, not here. We have some water left, and we can make a temporary water called credit, but even the value it creates is moving out of our nation and our communities. Walmart can out-compete every mom and pop. McDonalds can out compete the locally grown, locally sourced, sustainable models. It is only a matter of time, not of "if".
Between now and system death we must make wise decisions.
There is a (false) legend that a ancient group that was destroyed in the following way. They were made to form a ring of people facing inward. Every odd person stepped forward and every even one stepped backward. The ones who stepped forward were killed by those who had stepped back. This process was repeated over and over until there was only one person left. It is said that there was a clever soldier who realized the position of the soldier who would survive, and by taking it was able to save his own life.
There are places where every metaphor breaks down and the same is true with this story. This myth puts saving ones life as being higher than being required to kill ones comrades. I don't like that, but I feel like we are on the titanic and the captain and senior officers are all drunk. The rate per iteration of deaths was 50%. Each time this was repeated about half of the people died. In our case the rate is lower. It is not uniform in geometry, but it is uniform in other dimensions. Fiscal responsibility. Building community. Building sustainable community economics. Building a culture of actual empowerment. These are the things that are going to make us more successful. Buying into consumerism. The gang or drug culture. Fiscal irresponsibility. Unsustainable practices. These are going to take away our tomorrows. These are the dimensions along which the pseudo-decimation is going to be most visible.
I want to live. I want you to live. Some folks say "living is more than survival" but that is a poor picture. It is a consumerist picture. True life, true heart health, is like standing on the top of a hill in that there are a number of ways to go down. Too much pleasure is as bad as (or worse than) too little. Eating too much is just as unhealthy as eating too little. Those who starve as children often become obese as adults - the body and emotional centers lead us along roads of darkness sometimes. Balance is the wonderful trick of finding the place where, by staying there, any change in it leads to less life. It is a Nash equilibrium.
I have to go. Lunch calls. Duty calls.
PS: I need to put the pictures from the "Commemorative Air Force" museum tour here. I wish your mathmom had more "Grand Canyon" and "Montezuma's Castle" pictures. I would put them here.
At this point I am going to name you mathgirl, though the math is more about me than you. Your 2 year old baby sister is the new mathbaby.
I am living in hotels in Ohio. Working a new job, trying to move. Arizona is going into another recession. It is actually just continuing the one that it had been in. One can't treat the symptom and remove the disease. One must treat the disease. Treating the symptoms works to hide minor ailments, not major damage. The politicians who never read this should hear it.
So here is a picture of two fish. Which would you rather be, the one on the left with a drain that can only take a portion of what you need to live, or the one on the right who will run out of water, dry up, and die?
Our "leaders" have decided on policies that, at all scales, make us the fish on the right and not the fish on the left. Production (creation of water) is in China. Capability to make production is there to, not here. We have some water left, and we can make a temporary water called credit, but even the value it creates is moving out of our nation and our communities. Walmart can out-compete every mom and pop. McDonalds can out compete the locally grown, locally sourced, sustainable models. It is only a matter of time, not of "if".
Between now and system death we must make wise decisions.
There is a (false) legend that a ancient group that was destroyed in the following way. They were made to form a ring of people facing inward. Every odd person stepped forward and every even one stepped backward. The ones who stepped forward were killed by those who had stepped back. This process was repeated over and over until there was only one person left. It is said that there was a clever soldier who realized the position of the soldier who would survive, and by taking it was able to save his own life.
There are places where every metaphor breaks down and the same is true with this story. This myth puts saving ones life as being higher than being required to kill ones comrades. I don't like that, but I feel like we are on the titanic and the captain and senior officers are all drunk. The rate per iteration of deaths was 50%. Each time this was repeated about half of the people died. In our case the rate is lower. It is not uniform in geometry, but it is uniform in other dimensions. Fiscal responsibility. Building community. Building sustainable community economics. Building a culture of actual empowerment. These are the things that are going to make us more successful. Buying into consumerism. The gang or drug culture. Fiscal irresponsibility. Unsustainable practices. These are going to take away our tomorrows. These are the dimensions along which the pseudo-decimation is going to be most visible.
I want to live. I want you to live. Some folks say "living is more than survival" but that is a poor picture. It is a consumerist picture. True life, true heart health, is like standing on the top of a hill in that there are a number of ways to go down. Too much pleasure is as bad as (or worse than) too little. Eating too much is just as unhealthy as eating too little. Those who starve as children often become obese as adults - the body and emotional centers lead us along roads of darkness sometimes. Balance is the wonderful trick of finding the place where, by staying there, any change in it leads to less life. It is a Nash equilibrium.
I have to go. Lunch calls. Duty calls.
PS: I need to put the pictures from the "Commemorative Air Force" museum tour here. I wish your mathmom had more "Grand Canyon" and "Montezuma's Castle" pictures. I would put them here.
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